Seeking something that’s right infront of you.

The circle of friends we all have to keep us grounded, to keep us sane.

If you’d asked me to write this blog post two weeks ago (like some of you did :p), I wouldn’t have known where to start or believed I had anything worthwhile to say. In this blog I always want to be completely honest and share the entirety of my thoughts, feeling, experience. So here’s the thing, over the last few weeks I have truly felt like I had nothing of value to give, and that everyone else thought that aswell. It’s only these last couple of days that have brought me back around, and I wanted to share that experience with you. Also you should know that this is one of those long D&M (Deep and meaningful) blogs, so you can’t say I didn’t warn you.  The main point of this blog that the title alludes towards will be revealed at the end.

To be completely honest even while writing this I am still struggling with the fear that no-one wants to hear (read) what I have to say. It’s been almost a week since I wrote the above paragraph, and I justified that delay by seeking permission from my friends (in the photo to the right) to feature their image in this blog. Now of course that’s something I would have ethically done regardless, but I knew that it would be ok with them and subconsciously I was just looking for another excuse to delay this. So what is ‘this’ that I am so scared of? Well besides, as I mentioned above, the fear that all of this is meaningless and boring to you all there’s the deeper fear that, if the blog is meaningless, then I am meaningless.

Now, as some of my close friends already know, I have been suffering from depression since a major depressive episode around 6/7 years ago. But what very few people know (well, until now) is that I think this feeling of worthlessness has been with me basically all my life! It’s a sad way to live. It all started from my premature birth which caused some physical defects: Speech impediment, low muscle-tone and fine motor control issues, etc… As I grew up I didn’t really feel like I fit in anywhere. I had a great family who loved me but it always felt like sympathy rather than me actually having loveable qualities. I had Sisters and Brothers who were great, but then again they were always helping me try to swim, ride my bike, or even just to walk without looking like a duck with a broken leg trying to escape from a stampede of elephants! The kinds of struggles I had with my co-ordination meant that I couldn’t even really play with my nieces & nephews, so while my brother (who was always physically gifted) would play with them in the street, I would be kept company by my sister etc… which I saw as a lucky side effect of sympathy. In the schoolyard I didn’t really have male friends untill around 5th grade, so I was feminised by all my female friends untill that point (with ‘feminine’ qualities of-course being a defect for a ‘man’), and then again with the male friends I still felt like it was a sympathy vote. Even with my Dad there was issues, he’d always wanted a real man’s man for a son, and when I couldn’t be that for him the only other option was for me to be his little business man diplomat, and that’s how I made him proud. So this is how I grew up: feeling defective and worthless and that everyone could see that! So to avoid that feeling I had to work hard to please people, and do everything right! Because if I didn’t do it right, or I let someone down, then I’d feel the shame of my worthlessness, the guilt of the burden I was and the annoyance I brought to other people.

Please don’t get me wrong, my family and friends have always been fantastic and a great asset to me. The way I felt was always my interpretation of events, and mine alone. Also, I wouldn’t change my past, while I definitely need to change my self-image, this past has made me who I am today; when I give my self an honest review I’m really proud of who I am, what I’ve achieved, how I treat others, and where I’m going, I wouldn’t change for the world.

The issue lies in what I need to do now, which is find value in myself for just being myself, not for what I’m able to give or what I’m achieving, I need to find value in just existing, which right now I don’t necessarily feel at the core of my being. Right now I struggle to answer the phone if someone’s calling who I’ve missed a phone call from previously, or haven’t called in a while. It’s not only the avoidance of the guilt they’d possibly confront me with in asking why I hadn’t called etc…, but also the shame of now causing them conflict/pain/etc… while I haven’t added anything to their life, and I’d have nothing to tell them or offer them in way of a story or entertainment, I’ve been studying, reading, sleeping, and bludging, what can I offer them? For example, I like to keep in touch with my dad but I don’t call him often for the above reason. The other week I called him for the first time in a while because I’d had a few good developments that week and had something to tell him, something to trade for his pride, and then he called me up on using the word cute on facebook, because “Men don’t say that word son”. I know he’s only trying to look out for me but I should have just told him that some men do and I’m one of them, but I couldn’t, because then what value would I have? My value comes from pleasing others, offering them something, and that’s what I need to change, I need to value myself just for myself! I need to be able to call up my dad with nothing to offer him, I need to be able to call him and tell him nothings happening, I slept in that morning, and Uni is a struggle. So these are the things I’m working through at the moment.

Now in saying all of this, the last few weeks have been a blessing. I’ve had people calling me up wanting to catch up with me. I’ve had people calling on me to write this blog post and telling me they actually read and enjoy what I write. I’ve had people turning to me for advice that I thought barely knew I existed, and in short just had so many people confirm I have value without me having to ask for that confirmation, or buy that confirmation. I’ve had experiences which have opened the doors to learning that will assist me in my ultimate career goals, and I’ve had other people talk about their feelings on my field of Psychology, which confirm the direction I’d ultimately like to head in. So I’ve had all this confirmation right here, that I’m valuable, and I’m heading in the right direction. The thing that’s really interesting though is I really had to think about it to see it like that. As I had each little small victory I’d be happy as Larry, but as soon as the phone rang and it was someone I’d missed a call from I’d freeze up again! I’d retreat back to that place of worthlessness. So when I think about it, I know that it’s ok, that I’m ok, but I spend the rest of my time trying to prove it to myself. I’ve spent most of my life blinded to my own value, blinded to my friends etc…, just blinded. Well no-more!!! I don’t need to search for my value, or prove my value, it’s already here! It’s right in front of me! I just need to open my eyes!

We ALL have value, we are ALL beautiful, and we just need to open up our own eyes to it. So if you can relate to this story in any way, let me just tell you that you are an amazing person, and you have nothing to prove to anyone. You don’t need to worry about showing anyone what you can give them, the only thing they want is to know you, just as you are at this present moment! You are amazing, you are awesome, and you are worth it! As am I! This is probably going to take a while to sink in, but we deserve to give it that chance to do so. Let’s live our lives free from shame shall we? Because we are worth it!

OK that’s the end of another blog, thanks for reading, and say hi to your father for me Now on a completely separate and random note let’s go see who wins MasterChef?! Does anyone have a favourite to win?

Welcome to the space inside my mind…

         

Thinking, stimulated by coffee, driving for peace...

Well hello hello to all my friends, family, readers, stumblers, and enemies alike… Welcome, to my new blog, “Coffee with the world”. You may be asking yourselves what this title means, and soon my header will reveal more accurately it’s purpose, but basically this blog is about my conversation with the world and the hope I see to create the idealistic vision of peace and equity some people find laughable. Personally, I believe in peace, I believe in human kind (ALL of human kind), and I think one day we will find a way to move forward as a single, peacefiull, world population. Rather than our current global situation of seperation and misunderstanding enforced by violence. So this blog will cover:

1. My personal reflections on life (my life inparticular) and my social and professional development, kinda like a Journal.
2. It will cover cool idea’s I see working out there in the world, and link to these idea’s; things like social business, great visionaries, and any other idea’s and networks which inspire humankind to evolve.
3. Finally, it will also include reflections, observations, and judgements on stories from the media; from the world outside of the inter-webs. I guess now is also the right time to acknowledge that I am probably the last person who should judge anyone else, and don’t believe in passing judgement, however, this is all in the name of brainstorming with the world, and moving towards peace.

I’m still in the process of putting this site altogether as I write this my first ever published blog, so please bare with me these first few weeks as I make this blog everything I want it to be. I’ll expand a bit more on each of these points, but thats about it for now. Just an intro to what I’ll be discussing here, and my next blog will be about introducing many of you to the world of social business, the greatest love in my life at the moment. So for those of you who like it short and sweet, goodbye, & I’ll see you shortly. For everyone else, I’ll clarify myself a bit furthur…

          OK So let me tell you a little bit about what you can expect in my journalistic reflections.. I’m a University student about to complete a double-major in Psychology and Sociology, and I’m also working on a research proposal to apply for my masters, so this side of the blog will be a way for me to release my thoughts and energies on my educational journey. I am personally a big believer that sociology and Psychology belong together, and would like to have that kind of impact on both fields. There is already a big acknowledgement of this within Psychology to an extent, and there is many fields of social psychology. However, the ‘science’ and statistical reliance of Psychology still provides roadblocks in my mind. The best way I can describe my feelings on the subject is in the following example. If you were, for example, to take a child who had been abused all his life from his home, to the point where his self-belief had dissappeared. Even once you place him a new safer home that self belief is still going to be missing… Vica-versa, if you were to rebuild his self esteem, but then he was to return to the environment responsible for destroying it in the first place, well, the pattern will repeat itself. Working on someone’s Psychology is all well and good, but if we recognise that society is responsible for many of the psychological issues that have become commonplace in our society, than shouldn’t we be working on society aswell? Anyway, that’s my little rant… did that make sense? Let me know what you think! On top of all my educational inspirations and banter you’ll also have to deal with my obsessions with poetry, good coffee, friends, etc… All of this makes part of any good journal doesn’t it :p.

          Now as for this second section of the blog, covering Social Business, Worldwide good, and that tingly feeling you get in your stomach after either too much to drink or knowing you’ve helped someone… this is the main purpose of the blog! Basically I’ll be taking idea’s I see from all around the web and the world, and trying to link all of you guys up to them. I’ll explain them as I go, but it’s amazing what is out there on the internet, the thing you’re using effortlessly as we speak, that you can utilise to make a difference in this world. It’s also an eye openor to what we’re all capable of. Personally, I’ve never believed in violence as an answer to anything, and after seeing all thats out there I know I’m not alone. Violencve should never be the answer, and things never need to be hopeless for anyone, if we all work together than nothing is impossible. That’s what I hope to convince you of in this blog…

         Lucky last, this blog, as any good blog does, will reflect on pop-culture, world news, etc… and let you know what I think about it all. There’s not much I can expand on in this point, we’ll just have to wait and see what the cat drags in, yeah?

          Thanks for sticking with me if you’re still reading, I hope to have this whole site up and running soon. I’ll have my “about me” section up next (well that’s my plan anyway), a proper header to follow, and we’ll go from there. For now, sleep tight, sweet dreams, soft sunrise, and I’ll speak to you soon